“I Cannot Do My Run Today”

Runners are a funny bunch.  We love to complain about our injuries, gripe about the weather, but still, we run.  Often when we shouldn’t.  I was inspired today by Shel Silverstein’s poem, “I Cannot Go To School Today” (my second favorite Silverstein poem, by the way) and wrote this verse in honor of our idiosyncrasies.  Enjoy!

“I cannot do my run today,”
Said little Jack or John or Kay.
“I have shin splints and the runs,
A gash, a rash and achey buns.

My mouth is wet, my throat feels like Charmin,
My sunglasses broke and I lost my Garmin.
My hamstrings are as tight as rocks,
I’ve counted eight different chafing spots.

And there’s one more, that makes it nine,
I have the flu, maybe swine.
My heels hurt, it must be plantar fasciitis,
And on top of that
I have achilles tendonitis.

I feel queasy, running makes me choke,
My last track workout was a joke.
My hips hurt when I move my legs,
My hamstrings feel like scrambled eggs.

My back is tweaked, my ankle’s sprained,
My ITBS flares each time it rains.
I get dizzy when I stand too fast,
I have six blisters on my left calf.

My foot has a stress fracture,
My psoas is weak,
I hardly talk about when running when I speak.

My favorite shoes are losing their sole,
I think my motivation is starting to go.

My arches are flat, my gait is off,
My rock hard abs are going soft.

I have runner’s knee, there are holes in my waterproof gear,
My brand new compression socks are covered in beer.

I have a neuroma, my quad is…

What? What’s that you say?
You say…. that it’s my day to race?

Goodbye then! I’m going out to run my PR pace!”